What About the Siblings? Supporting Brothers and Sisters of Kids with Disabilities

When one child has a disability, the entire family feels it—including the siblings. These kids often live in a world shaped by routines, therapies, appointments, and emotional highs and lows that they didn’t choose but deeply experience. While most of the attention (rightfully) goes to the child with the highest needs, their siblings often learn to quietly navigate the background. They become observers, helpers, adaptors. And sometimes—though they may never say it out loud—they become invisible.

Siblings of children with disabilities often develop extraordinary empathy, resilience, and insight. They grow up fast. They ask questions that adults wrestle with. They love fiercely. But they can also carry a quiet weight: confusion, guilt, jealousy, protectiveness, or the sense that their needs come second. And often, they don’t talk about it.

They Notice More Than We Think

Even young children notice when their brother or sister gets more attention, more care, or more patience. They hear the phone calls with doctors. They sit through therapy sessions in the waiting room. They change plans when things fall apart. They see you tired, distracted, worried. And they often internalize those things in ways that are hard to untangle.

They may not say, "I'm upset that we left the museum early because my sister had a meltdown." Instead, they might say, "I don't like museums anyway." It can come out as moodiness, withdrawal, or even a hyper-helper role. They want to ease your burden. They want to be the "easy one."

But all kids need to be kids. And all kids deserve to feel seen.

So What Can We Do as Parents?

We don’t need to solve everything. We just need to stay aware and intentional. Supporting siblings doesn't require perfection—just presence. Here are some ways to support them with honesty, love, and compassion:

1. Give Them Their Own Space to Be Seen

Even small moments of one-on-one time matter—a trip to the store, bedtime check-ins, a walk around the block. These are moments where they’re not "the sibling of a special needs child"—they're just your kid. Let them talk about Minecraft. Let them be silly. Let them show off.

They need to know they exist to you in their own right.

2. Validate Their Emotions

They might feel jealous or left out, and that doesn't make them bad. It makes them human. Say things like, “It’s okay to be frustrated sometimes” or “You’re allowed to have your own feelings, even when you love your brother.” Avoid rushing in with reassurances like, "But you know he can't help it." Just listen first.

Creating space for their emotions is one of the most healing things you can do.

3. Let Them Have Their Own Identity

Encourage their interests, friendships, and independence. They need opportunities to be more than just a helper, protector, or interpreter. Sign them up for an activity they choose. Let them have time that isn't shared.

Their story shouldn't always be tied to someone else's.

4. Avoid Defaulting Them Into the Caregiver Role

They may be incredibly helpful, and that might feel like a lifesaver. But check in often. Ask: "Do you want to help right now, or do you need a break?" Normalize that both are okay. Make it clear that their job is to be a kid, not a co-parent.

We can foster empathy without forcing responsibility too soon.

5. Offer Outlets for Expression

Journaling, art, therapy, or sibling support groups can all offer powerful ways for siblings to process their experience. Many communities have Sibshops or sibling-centered programs that allow kids to meet others who "get it."

Sometimes what they need most is someone else saying, "Me too."

6. Say Thank You—Often

Acknowledge the small sacrifices they make: sitting through long appointments, changing plans, giving up your attention in stressful moments. Let them know you notice. Say things like, "I saw how patient you were when things got chaotic today. That meant a lot."

Gratitude builds connection.

Final Thoughts

Parenting a child with a disability often feels all-consuming. There’s never enough time, energy, or resources to meet every need. And yet, when we take even a few moments to nurture the siblings in the mix, we make a profound difference.

We teach them that their role in the family matters just as much. We help them build their own emotional vocabulary. We give them the freedom to grow into compassionate, self-aware people—not just bystanders or background players.

And perhaps most importantly, we remind them that they are seen, heard, and loved.

If you're struggling to balance it all, that doesn’t mean you're failing. It means you’re parenting in complexity—and doing the best you can.

Need support as you navigate it all? Let’s talk. Coaching can help you create small changes with big impact.

— Liz