When Values and Needs Collide: Choosing a Private or Parochial School as a Special Needs Parent
Choosing a school for your child is one of the most personal—and often emotional—decisions a parent makes. For many families, the decision to enroll in a private or parochial school is deeply rooted in values: faith, tradition, a sense of community, or an educational philosophy that aligns with your hopes for your child’s character and development.
But what happens when your child has a disability or learning difference, and you find yourself needing supports that the school isn’t equipped—or required—to provide?
This is a reality I see often in my work with families: the tension between wanting to honor your family’s values and needing to prioritize your child’s individual needs.
And let’s be honest—it’s hard.
You Are Not Alone in This Conflict
Many parents feel a deep sense of loyalty to their school community. It’s where your family worships. It’s where your other children have thrived. It might even be where you went to school. And yet, as you watch your child with special needs struggle—academically, socially, or emotionally—you may begin to question whether the setting is truly sustainable or supportive.
That’s not a failure on your part.
It’s not a reflection of misplaced values.
It’s the complex reality of parenting a child who needs something different—and navigating a system that doesn’t always provide it.
What Makes This Especially Challenging
Private and parochial schools are not bound by the same special education laws (like IDEA) that public schools are. That often means no IEP, no special ed team, and limited formal accommodations.
Parents can feel caught in a bind: “Do I stay in a values-based environment I believe in, or do I move my child to a setting with more support?”
Guilt shows up on both sides. Guilt for asking the school to do more. Guilt for considering a change. Guilt for choosing a school that may not fully “get” your child.
What You Can Do
This isn’t about choosing sides—it’s about finding a path that honors both your child and your values. Here’s where to start:
1. Get Clear on Your Priorities
What are your non-negotiables? What values are at the heart of your decision to stay? What does your child need most right now—academically, emotionally, socially?
2. Start Conversations, Not Confrontations
Approach school leaders with curiosity and collaboration. Ask what support structures exist. Share what you’ve noticed about your child’s challenges, and what’s helped in other settings.
3. Be Creative and Strategic
Could a tutor, coach, or therapist fill in the gaps? Could you work with the school to implement informal supports, even without a formal plan?
4. Hold Space for Grief and Grace
Sometimes, continuing in a values-based school is possible—with modifications. Sometimes it’s not. Either way, there’s grief in letting go of the vision you had, and grace in giving yourself permission to do what’s best for your child.
You Deserve Support, Too
Being a special needs parent in any school setting is challenging—but doing so in a system that isn’t required to accommodate you can feel especially lonely.
You don’t have to walk it alone.
As a parent coach and special education consultant, I help families navigate exactly this kind of crossroads—making sense of conflicting priorities, identifying resources, and building a path forward that aligns with both your values and your child’s needs.
If this sounds like your experience, I see you.
You are not failing. You are doing something incredibly brave: advocating for your child while honoring what matters to your family. That’s hard. And it’s also deeply courageous.
Let’s talk. You don’t have to choose between your values and your child’s success. There’s a path that makes room for both—and I’d be honored to help you find it.
